And here we go again…

It would seem her highness shades of jade is making yet another exit. For real this time? We can only hope. Nay, PRAY!

For the love of Kottu, leave already! Bloody drama queen!

Oh hold up, I almost forgot, this is most probably another one of her ploys for attention. For all those bloggers (who know very well that her blog stinks like mould on the dingleberries of a warthog’s posterior) to swoon in and lie about how wonderful *spit* her blog is. To falsely tell her (as Indi did the last time) that she is hot and therefore does not need to close down her blog (anything for some action, eh indi?)

What better way to make yourself a target of attention than to write a tearful post on why you’re leaving and keep the blog out for ‘a day’?

According to her post, she’s closing shop because someone has committed ‘crimes’ against her. Crimes???

Now what could this wannabe 18 year old bogger who is the equivalent of Miss Piggy (albeit a considerably smaller noodle) have had done against her by that villainous so-called friend?

Broken her freshy manicured nail in a cat fight???? Wooooah! Well that’s unforgivable! Damn that bitch to hell!

Shades of Jade, don’t let the door hit you where to good lord split you!

Kottu Kooks…

in no particular order.

• Sanjana (GroundViews)

Kottu’s pineapple-up-his-ass citizen journalist has been spending too much time up in his Banyan tree. Getting butt fucked by monkeys has finally affected his noggin!

He’s flipped his lid with the Flip Ultra camcorder offer. GroundViews is going to award some sadistic dumbass with a video camera.

Groundviews

Purple socks is mine

With a title like that we should have know better than to click on the link…

Her post BusPervs starts-

This is a developing country. Yes! Srilankan buses are filled with these perv twerps.

Er… whaaa? Developing country? Pervy twerps? What the hell, what’s the connection?

We were surprised a few actually got through her post, that must have required a lot on mental energy on their part.

Of course that just proves she’s can’t write. Here’s why she Qualifies as a Kottu Kook- We just picked out random phrases to save you the mental strain of reading her post.

I felt the goood smelling- The freak can feel smell!

I was chasing after a shady tree- Typical lunatic behavior… Someone dial Angoda.

you are moving through sweat soup- Excuse me while I vomit my lunch

all that the buses infested with these local mofos!- Well as long as they’re local! After all, Sri Lankans would consider it an honor to be molested by them Arthur C. Clark types.

I feel threatened by these bastards trying to come close to you- Ah mey, we would have thought she’d feel more threatened by pervs approaching her… I guess with her ‘best stern‘ and ‘worst response‘ those poor pervs picked on the wrong badass footboarding freak.

Of course hre theme is a blaring alert, it screams lunatic! Looks like something you’d find hung up next to a patient’s bed at a mental institution.

Poshy Godeyas

Man, this shit is hardcore all right!

Well at least at the beginning…

Grammatical errors and all, the post isn’t very helpful especially since the information is… linear, for the want of a better word. This pretty much disqualifies it as a ‘travel’ blog. Pau aney, what a waste of effort.

Of course they’ve tried exceedingly hard to project that ‘Sinhalaya’ air. Yup, the poshy wannabe hardcore lot tossed in some Sinhala! Shaaa! Hardcore to the max!

“Ayye pahu wunaada?”

Although they must have ticked ‘throw in a few Sinhala words’ off their how-to-be-hardcore list after that because that was all the hardcore Sinhala these poshy buggers could manage.

We felt terribly let down after having read this-

Nearly because no self-respecting sinhalaya brother can have nothing to say at any time. There was the occasional utterance of “Heaven” and “Good God this is brilliant”.

What? No ‘amata udu’? Self-respecting Sinhalaya brother for sure! Wannabes.

We decided to check out their first post and holy Dalada Maligawa, this post is worst than the one to Mirissa. They’ve made it a point repeat how ‘posh’ they are in both post. Poor insecure buggers.

Charlatan Revealed

Yes, we do realize that by posting this there’s a fair chance local Gay Rights activists will be want our heads on poles to parade at their next ‘Colombo Pride’ festival. Nevertheless we have trolled on a blogger who has openly come out of the closet. (Aren’t we brave!)

Why?

1. Because reading just the preview of his post on Kottu is nothing short of brutual torture. And therefore, as trolls we are duty bound to write this post. Doi!

2.Because Padashow is all for equal rights. We treat all of you equally… Even the fruity loops er… unstraight (?) <insert politically correct gay reference>

There are quite a few openly gay blogs on Kottusphere such The Juicy Entice which has some class compared to The Tubelight Clicks. Now don’t get ahead of yourself. We haven’t gone soft, we’re merely pointing out that TC is the most obnoxious gay blog on Kottu. In fact it is a little too obnoxious… He fits a bit toooooo snugly in the contour of the gay stereotype, that we have a sneaking suspicion he ISN’T gay! He’s trying too hard.

The clues-

1. He seems to have the hots for some Korean hiphop wannabe by the name of TaeYang. We conducted a quick survey (asked girls in the vicinity of a 5ft radius) and the general consensus is that he’s as hot as a gecko trying to be gangsta. So there you have it! This phony could very well be a straight guy who randomly picked some huna-like singer assuming gay people would be into him. I think it’s necessary that gay rights activists hunt this bastard down for making a mockery of them. Equal Ground, this is over to you.

2. Notice the Jack McFarland persona he’s got going for him? He’s obviously picked a well known fictional gay personality, studied him and is trying very hard to project the image on his blog. Clearly the workings of a straight guy.

As for why this dude’s impersonating a gay guy… it could be for several reasons, such as luring unsuspecting girls or simply a desperate cry for attention on the blogsphere.

Of course, it could be that he is a sad gay guy who has been overly influenced by the media as to how he should behave. So we won’t completely rule out him being gay. Also he could be a gay person pretending to be a straight person who’s pretending to be a gay person! Gah! Oh well, gay or not, his blog is horribly obnoxious and so painful to read you’d want to perform corporal mortification for clicking on the blog link!

Bedtime Stories

Deliah Says should be commended for her attempts to help the retards on the blogosphere learn to read. Her short sentences are similar to those found in ‘Peter and Jane’ or ‘Read It Yourself’ Ladybird books intended for toddlers. Her Poems are like something out of a Dr. Seuss book, except with the content being mature and snooze inducing.

But that’s Possibility- 1: Deliah Says (doesn’t that sound typical of a kid’s novel?) There are other possible reasons as to why Dreary-liah would write entire posts in sentences of about 3 or 4 words. Such as…

Possibility- 2 : Deliah Scrooge

She is a groupie of the failed builder, indifferent mathematician, barman and of course failed writer (to those who aren’t the dumbass judges who pick the Gratiaen award winners)- Ashok Ferry. In his sad attempts to be hip by following the current trend among writers, he cuts his sentences down to a laughable degree. Cutting it down FURTHER is no laughing matter though. That’s just pathetic. And that’s Deliah Scrooge for you.

If you’re an emo insomniac you might be interested in checking out her post ‘Don’t Fall in Love With a Dreamer’. Reading it will cure you of your insomnia AND give you the very same experience you’d get by self-inflicted harm (sharp pointy tools).

At the risk of being cast side as a male chauvinist, how are women able to consistently dish out truck loads of emotional crap???

Her blog content and of course writing style sucks donkey balls! Just half way through the first paragraph, I was almost brought to tears, not because it struck a chord within me but because it was that god damned pathetic!

I was in complete awe of the bloggers who were able to get through the post but the awe disintegrated to dust the moment I read their comments about it being a good piece of writing.

One of the commenters was another chick, so that was understandable. But Mr.BackSide? Then again, why am I surprised? All his posts are gay/ emo as well.

Idiots Galore

Kottu has been like a pot of old gym socks. Gradually starting to smell more and more as each day passes by. We took a gander at the posts up today and were frankly appalled at what people put out as post worthy.

The old fogey among us has made yet another obvious post. With him we are exposed to either the most inane crap you’ve ever seen, or the most obvious things in life delivered to us on a platter filled out with fart jokes and stroking pets’ genital areas. We’re not sure what customs they would have in London but we’re quite sure grabbing your dog by the family jewels does not figure in the day’s activities of any normal family. But you never knwo with old man RD. At least the cats he has come into contact with know how to react to him. If only they could speak out the words in their heads, which RD has kindly confirmed to us.

The village idiot has posted again but now it is getting old. It’s bullshit generator has gotten old and creaky. Either that or our friend Davy has gone and stuck some plumbago up his ass. “I got raped so I decided to disable comments”. A pat on the back, or other suitable flat surface, to any creature who managed to rape the big blubbering questionmark at an evolutionary dead end that is jarabaraas. We salute your ability to violate a being(loosely) that can utter sentences the likes of “I got my balls kicked by my wife so I decided to invest in property developement”.

The Wankster has made another completely deranged pile of words that a million screaming monkeys could never produce. His sexual frustration is apparent in this post too, as he drags in scantily clad women and ladies washrooms in from all over the place. Somebody please give this guy a handjob. It’s not fightclub, it’s plain retardation. Get an appointment soon, lest you turn into jarabaraas.

Our old friend Indi has stumbled into a fashion show. So in a bid to get people to come see all his other good works and help his political career on it’s way, he has posted a video of it all. You’re doing it wrong sonny, you need a title like “Sexy young things strutting down catwalk” to match. “Colombo stirring” is about as interesting as “A day in the life of Indi’s crotch”. Neither is very happening. Just occasionally lurching ahead if some unreachable object of desire shows up.

Ensuring a place in history, one retarded comment at a time

Enter Jarabaraas. Seasoned retarded blogger, amateur female and that creep who stares at women on the street. Of late it has been taking it upon himself the noble cause of showing us all who the most dim-witted of the padas are. It does this simply by posting the most outlandish crap possible and waiting for comments.

This past verbal assault of the senses contains many paragraphs of just that. Here we give you a fe excerpts.

It is fair to say controversy lead to popularity. I touched on topics that were “NO GO area” and taboo for others. Whilst I managed to get traffic into my blog, I did so at a cost, well not really, but still it has a price that I have paid for, namely ANONYMOUS HATE COMMENTS.

Obviously, making a fool of yourself in so many ways that Einstein loses count is definitely a “NO GO area”. Trust NB to wander into places nobody dares to go. Rather, where nobody gives a shit to consider going to because you get bored out of your mind if you do.

Come think of it, I always knew the risks. I was warned Kottu was a minefield of sorts where one had to look and watch his/her back. Heeding to this advice, as a precautionary measure I moderated comments. I didn’t want to get into all kinds of ugly wars online. End of the day I do have my ethics, values and principles despite my cold-blooded personality.

Holy shit! The great Jarabaraas has spoken, and kottu is a battleground! God save our souls! Obviously, you’re supposed to watch you back in minefields, as those sneaky buggers like Indi and Blacker sneak up behind you and lob landmines at you. I should have listened to David Blacker and not ignored him as a washed up old hack. Oh woe is me. Soon all our kottu will be destroyed and rotten. Surely we will have to crouch along the ground when posting. I myself was singed by a few ak47’s when typing this post.

Halfway through reading up on our mentally challenged friend’s updates, we just lost all interest. The thing called Jarabaraas has gone supernova. This new post is so full of bullshit that it’s surprising the creature isn’t in advertising himself. The thing shows us two images that look alike about as much as a leper and Jessica Alba, trying to pass them off as one and the same.

Fuckwit.

And The Saga of Jarabaraas Continues…

I feel we’ve given our good friend and resident village idiot enough of an incubation period to come up with some world class dumbassery. But alas, it is not to be so. All we are given is the mildly retarded content that pours out from here.

What happened friend? Did you stick a filter on the bullshit generator? Why did you turn into a woman? We wholeheartedly agree that you still have much to give the world. You should keep blogging. But why switch to another blog? You can just use the old one, my good chap. You’ve rejuvinated iot enough times now that people have actually lost count. What purpose would calling yourself a girl serve?

It’s like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. But calling Jarabaraas a wolf is an insult to all animals, and instead of sheep’s clothing in this case the creature just smeared some lipstick on it’s face, put on a corsette and pretended to be a girl. We are reminded of Bugs Bunny’s attempts to foil the hunter. And, like that, we all know who’s really under that almost nonexistent smattering of disguise. Only the lowliest of minds are fooled by this feeble attempt.

We almost forgot about his usage of the emote :P. That poor, poor little icon has been stripped of any decency now that Jarabaraas has started throwing it around at every opportunity. Almost like he throws himself off a cliff so many times to become as retarded as he is. He must repeat it a few times a week, so as to stop the natural healing process taking place.

It’s almost as if he/she/it is trying it’s hardest to make posts on the most controvertial of topics, and failing miserably at it. Resorting to commenting anonymously on your own blog does not a controversy make. The only way you would ever generate interest these days is if you started taking voyeur pictures of women you deem to be “indecently” dressed and posted them with your judgement. What happened, boy? You used to be so good at pulling the right strings on the minds of all the padas. Need somebody to light a fire under you?

Nowadays I can’t even pick out sentences from your blog to laugh at. It is a sad day indeed when Jarabaraas cannot make people laugh. If I try now, my brain just starts hurting when I start reading. If I get past more than two sentences, I feel like a ton of bricks just fell on me and continued to violate me from behind. Well at least you can say his writing has an impact.

RIP Jarabaraas – Dumb Motherfucker and World Class Retarded Blogger. May he have plumbago stuck up his behind for eternity.

Girigoris the Hun

This specimen here displays a common ailment found in many bloggers. Except it’s not exactly an ailment, it’s just called being retarded. Read through his blog and you will be reeling back, wondering if anyone got the number of that truck that just hit you.

Hip hop grammar, hackney words and general stupidity come together to form the perfect loser. Our friend here is the type of ‘man’ you see on street corners, skinny as a broomstick, trying to smoke a ciggy to look cool and whistling at the women. For reasons that are a mystery to him, he never seems to get laid. This blog is the result when a creature like that gets access to the internet.

Leave me ur comments on this one.. Also mention what chances u think I have of gettin dis sassy lady. I kno I get her nyway cos ‘m the One innit but I like gettin peeps ideas as dats mi nature… Its jus da type of kind bugger I is

Zero. If you manage to get any female other than your mom whose basement you live in to touch you, the world would implode. The ‘kind of bugger you is’ is a dumbass. You’re not smooth, and you don’t sound smooth. If you could spare a second from masturbating to fetish porn with a vacant look on your face to think about what you’re doing, you might yet save us from a fate of having to see your steaming piles of excrement posted on the internet.

Please, go stick a finger up your ass and die.

Freak Show Macadamia!

Tsch, tsch… It would seem the bloggers have been running amok in our absense.

None more so than this nutty individual- Macadamia Nut… She’s so nutty she can pee Macadamia nuts! Now that’s truly amazing.

So amazing that she should be in the circus right beside the bearded lady and the Siamese twins who tap dance.

But then again… Who’d pay to watch a scary woman scratch her hairy pubes before shooting out a small nut from there?

Now don’t give me that look, I didn’t make that up. She writes about her hairy itchy pubes here.

(Interesting little fact- Macadamia nuts are also known as Queen of Nuts and Bush Nuts… Apt, wouldn’t you say?)

Can someone please inform her that there are somethings best kept to herself. And that people don’t really want to know about ALL the disgusting on-groins goings of her nether regions.

Aren’t some things sacred anymore??!?!?! And the poem isn’t even any good to boot…

Well, I don’t think anyone would pay a grand to watch a Macadamia nut pop out of disgusting, hairy, tick infested pubes. Unless they’re bulimic and are finding it difficult to induce that barf. So maybe if she gets a Brazilian wax and pees a slightly larger Brazil nut (mostly for marketing purposes), the male population might just pay to see that.

Reading her latest post, she must have gone loony by spending so much time with her “demented” maids. There seems to have been one who peed in a test tube and brandished it happily at the house hold. That must have had a perverse effect on her young impressionable mind. Oh well! Make the best of a bad situation right?…

A grand to see a woman pee a Brazil nut! A grand to see a woman pee a Brazil nut! Don’t miss this spectatuar freak show!

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.