Little padas

At least he knows his noodle is a bit on the soggy side… Fair warning with the title “Abnormal Minds”. But you’d never guess to what extent unless you read his post “How to loose a B’day?”

WTF? Loose a birthday? Try a dictionary or spell checker the next time you decide to blog. As for the post, he seems to be trying to convince us that he’s in his late 20’s and not what he really is… A sexually frustrated old prune who skulks through Kottu jerking off to the headers of halfnaked blonde bimbos on the blogosphere.

And she qualifies as a blonde bimbo amazingly! The bimbo wanted to sound all smexy and wrote up a poem that a dyslexic 5 year old could have out classed, and then translates it into French on Google Translator!

She even responds to a comment by the creepy crawly on Kottu in Google Translator French! Good Lord, woman! Why? Why? Why? Are you trying to compensate for your fugly-ness in real life? Because you’re trying particularly hard (and failing miserably) at seeming super sexy online…

We’d ask you to save yourself the embarrassment and quit blogging because you’re making a royal fool of yourself, but then we like you’re big fat padas! In fact, you’ve officially made it as one of the Padashow favourites! Félicitations!

Expect us dropping by your blog more frequently.

Also, it has been pointed out to us that the topless woman on her blog header is in fact not the bimbo… Are you that hideous that you have to use some other woman’s picture? Wooooaah!

Other padas on Kottu include, A Virile Nagalingam , with his post – In Which I Join a Yellow Snowball Rolling Down The Hill. Yellow snowball? YELLOW? Oh yeah, with everyone pissing five words like pre-schoolers into it (eg- happy, sad, mad, glad, I flunked math), it must really be one ammonia reeking snowball! Let’s pray London, Lanka, Drums is at the end of that hill and the gigantic “pee-sicle” crashes into him!

Hypocrisy. EPIC WIN when done right.

From Indi’s twitter.

Is this the whiner who’s complaining about how corrupt the country is? Part of the problem no? I guess this is the thing that makes this worm a true Sri Lankan blogger. He embraces and indulges in corruption and abuse of power when it serves his purpose. That’s invokes one of the commandments of Kottu.

Bad things are only bad when you’re not doing them.

Indi’s got this right. Hypocritters make for good pada. Keep it up Indi Samarajeeva. Please get yourself into some more illegal situations and then have your dad make his phone calls and bail you out. Then blog about them.

Loki returns?

Strolling about on Kottu this morning we came across someone who’s genitals are made of lemons. Citrus Apparatus. But what interested us was not this fact, but rather the name they use to sign their posts. Loki. Is this the same old Loki who lost her man to Sweet Idiot three years ago? Has the old Loki returned from exile to face the kottu?

From what we hear Sweet Idiot is happily married and has a kid and a half now. I guess that’s why she doesn’t blog anymore. Meanwhile back in sucker-ville Loki has been unable to obtain a man or a life for the past three years and now returns to kottu.

New data forcasts padafull future

According to a study done by padashow the forecast for pada and other troll food in the future seems very promising. The data also shows more and more bloggers will start their alternative (secret) troll-blogs until finally everyone is a troll. Wow. What a can of worms we’ve opened.

The graph above has nothing to do with our findings. Kinda like the photographs that you lot use to try to make your farting smell better.

The Whackster feels left out

It seems our writings have pissed off the Whackster. I think he’s tired of being on the other side of the line. I think he wants to be a troll. Have a looksee at what he says about… well we don’t know what he’s saying here so we don’t know what he’s saying it about. Maybe the rest of you padas will be able to make some sense of it.

Your inverted sense of inadequacy will transform into a false sense of superiority that will completely misinterpret your actions as ‘constrcutive’ and your criticisms ‘positive’.

Really Whackster, if you wanted in on the action you should’ve just emailed us. You really didn’t need to cry about it on your blog. A tad dramatic we think.

We live at thenewpadashow[at]gmail[dot]com. We’d love to have you on board. We think you have the right amount of unbridled anger to be an effective troll.

Aww, you got me!

Now we know why Jarabaraas has to keep flushing the crap on his blog. It all piles up and starts stinking like his finger he keeps up his ass all the time.

Aiyoo, he has outsmarted me. Woe is me, for I have been fooled. But I remember Jarabaraas’s words. They went something like

My great grandpa built it in 1942, before independence. Since then my daddy’s family has been living here for generations and now its my turn.

Looks like our SEO man has flushed all the shit except the shit still left in the Gooogle cache. Shame meya.

The house is actually 67 years old and one of the few pre-independence houses remaining in Colombo. Last year I renovated it, gave it a face lift and somewhat changed it much to the annoyance of my granny. It was a ramshackle kind of place till about last year, but I restored the house myself. No architects. No creative inputs. Everything was mine, my way.

We can see Jarabara(ass)s’ work here -

Jarabaraas : Vintage Grunge Style Architect

But whoo whoo, what is this? Look at this bit of clipping on the paper?

Years of neglect were apparent in the rotted ceilings and shaky upper flooring. The ornate balconies and some door frames were chipped and peeling.

They say it’s been demolished. Shame, shame, Jarabaraas’s work destroyed.

How did we miss this?

Brandon I-can’t-help-it-that-I-write-tripe Ingram has a blog. Holy fucknuts!

I’m assuming some of you made the mistake of paying for ‘The Fairy Dance’. Before you used the pages to wipe your ass after a nice long crapathon I’m sure some of you ventured to read at least the first paragraph. I mean I’m all for young writers and all that, but this guy needs to learn some English first, and then get some clues about composing readable prose. He tries but epicfails at some oh-save-me / oh-the-world-is-black-and-white / oh-i-am-writing-deep-philosophy / oh-i-know-everything-about-child-abuse-because-i-was-repeatedly-anally-raped-in-school / oh-i-am-such-an-emo-kid content, and in the end all you have is a uninteresting story, badly written by an author who has no idea about the subject (except, we hear, what he gathered from the internet), published by Ameena Hussein (who has now just simply lost all credibility) simply because she’s friends with the author.

Oh dear me I’m getting verbose aren’t I?

But we don’t need to harp on the book. We here have a blog. A whole new stream of Padas to chew on. Here’s something from that.

Far away in a desert of sleep stood a little lost boy without any feet. He may have walked and he may have run but the ground beneath him was always numb. I’d heard them say he had no name, he spoke no words and felt no pain.

Just because all of Colombo is going to go gaga over this tripe I am not. Ingram already has the rest of the talentless hack tribe cheering him along and asking him to write more and more. Perhaps the missingsandwich and the gypsy feel that if Ingram can get published then maybe they can too.

Anyhow, just because you write snappy one liners in your day job that does not mean you can write a book. Perhaps you should stick to what you’re good at, and leave the prose to people who know how to write a good story. Meanwhile, if you’re as depressed and sexually confused as you seem to be, perhaps you should do us all a favour and off yourself.

Hide fugly

This is lostsoul. Lostsoul writes in Stupid, which is a language we don’t speak so we’re not going to say anything about their blog yet, but we do have some questions about this profile picture.

We have seen many in Kottu who take pictures of their faces at funny angles and then crop them so that only a portion is visible, and then they make it their profile picture. It’s come to a point where Kottu’s got so many strange face-parts all over that I bet we could assemble all of them and make some kinda monster a-la Frankie, albeit with about a dozen eyes and seven mouths.

Why can’t they just use their whole face? Is it just too fugly to put on the internet? Is it likely to get you flagged and banned and lynched and burnt at the stake? Or do they want people to ask ‘are you a girl or a boy?’ and keep the whole curiosity thing going?

You know what? Even if you put your full picture everyone here would still wonder if you were a girl or a boy or a goat.

FU, Fallen

Stop trying to sound like FUP already you stupid bitch! First it was that spider girl and now this idiot is desperately trying to sound like them. Please. Just. Stop. You’re. Killing. Us.

Oh well, later on whilst walking among the herd I had to pass under that particular tree, and I looked up at that crow and I said “you think you’re soooooooo fucking cool, don’t you? well look here, crow, I have… A THUMB! AN OPPOSABLE THUMB! AND FOUR MORE FUCKING FINGERS! AND TWO HANDS! I don’t have wings, and I can’t lie in a nest of straw on a tree, BUT I HAVE THESE, SO HAH! FUCK YOU AND YOUR SILLY BEAK! PECK ON THIS, MOTHERFUCKER!” whilst giving him the finger, the middle finger, not the pinkie, I wasn’t trying to be fancy(if you got that, you’re gay, and so is Spongebob).

Give em fingers and they’re the master of the fucking planet, that crow would be thinking, but the dumb fuck doesn’t realize the glaring contradiction in that last line.

What our boy here didn’t tell you was, he went on to climb onto a branch of that tree and shit on the crow. After years of no crow wanting to disgrace itself by excreting it’s waste on this walking talking waste of space, he’s decided they might finally do it if provoked.

All you padas trying to imitate other, much funnier sites can stfu. We don’t want to hear your recycled crap.

Jarabaraas the Waiter

We did some sleuthing ourselves. We didn’t need MI6, CIA or any other fancy pancy detective agency to ‘trace’ that Captain Jarabaraas is actually a waiter at the Chinese Lotus!

Padas, I present to you Jarabaraas’s ‘residence’ -

http://sundaytimes.lk/970316/plus16.html

It is from deep within this building that Jarabaraas secretly types out his little farts.

It was called Isabel Court, presumably after the original owner’s second wife who was Isabella Silva. Her husband, Nanayakkarage Don Paulis Silva was known the ‘Plumbago King’ in his time and was a successful merchant, who owned several large stately homes. Isabel Court in Kollupitiya was used as N.D.P. Silva’s office in Colombo. The wealthy merchant also had a health resort and country bungalow in Kalutara by the Kalu Ganga, the well known Teak Bungalow of yore. He died in 1901 leaving his extensive estate in the hands of two sons- the younger of whom was to later outdo his father in his style of living and recreation.

Eureka! We have discovered the root of all troubles for NB! So much Plumbago stuck up his bottom that he has to crap out of his mouth! Whatever the fuck Plumbago is, it’s doing a bloody good job of keeping this little weasel’s backside corked! All you offended padas now have a solution to the Jarabaraas Crisis, just stick some good ol’ Plumbago down his throat. If he doesn’t manage to spew it all out through sheer Bullshit-force, he’s as good as gone.

I stalked Captain Jaraqbaraas around to see if I could find out how he can spew so much bullshit.

Below are some of the pictures we have taken -

Jarabaraas at the Beach

Jarabaraas at Fort

Jarabaraas at the Assvibrator Store

We have more! We will expose more of our super-sleuthing abilities if you do not have us arrested for blogging!