Kottu Kooks…

in no particular order.

• Sanjana (GroundViews)

Kottu’s pineapple-up-his-ass citizen journalist has been spending too much time up in his Banyan tree. Getting butt fucked by monkeys has finally affected his noggin!

He’s flipped his lid with the Flip Ultra camcorder offer. GroundViews is going to award some sadistic dumbass with a video camera.

• Purple socks is mine

With a title like that we should have know better than to click on the link…

Her post BusPervs starts-

This is a developing country. Yes! Srilankan buses are filled with these perv twerps.

Er… whaaa? Developing country? Pervy twerps? What the hell, what’s the connection?

We were surprised a few actually got through her post, that must have required a lot on mental energy on their part.

Of course that just proves she’s can’t write. Here’s why she Qualifies as a Kottu Kook- We just picked out random phrases to save you the mental strain of reading her post.

I felt the goood smelling- The freak can feel smell!

I was chasing after a shady tree- Typical lunatic behavior… Someone dial Angoda.

you are moving through sweat soup- Excuse me while I vomit my lunch

all that the buses infested with these local mofos!- Well as long as they’re local! After all, Sri Lankans would consider it an honor to be molested by them Arthur C. Clark types.

I feel threatened by these bastards trying to come close to you- Ah mey, we would have thought she’d feel more threatened by pervs approaching her… I guess with her ‘best stern‘ and ‘worst response‘ those poor pervs picked on the wrong badass footboarding freak.

Of course hre theme is a blaring alert, it screams lunatic! Looks like something you’d find hung up next to a patient’s bed at a mental institution.

*Poshy Godeyas

*Post revised due to new findings!

Man, this shit is hardcore alright!

Well at least at the beginning…

They start off with terrible grammar. Now that’s as hardcore as it gets.

The beaches of Sri Lanka hold many locations that make you just wish you had an SLR. Or if you’re less photographically inclined, to drool.

Placing ‘to’ before ‘drool’ makes the sentence subtly grammatically incorrect. The only explanation we can offer is that the subtlety makes the sentence hardcore while not threading on ‘godé’. Except they’ve done quite the opposite… They come off as godé-yas trying to be posh! Tsch tsch… poor sods.

The whole post is punctuated with these grammatical errors to preserve the ‘posh-ness’ of these Sinhalayas, we presume.

Besides that the post isn’t very helpful since the information is… linear, for the want of a better word. This pretty much disqualifies it as a ‘travel’ blog. Pau aney, what a waste of effort.

Of course they’ve tried exceedingly hard to project that ‘Sinhalaya’ air. Yup, the poshy wannabe hardcore lot tossed in some Sinhala! Shaaa! Hardcore to the max!

“Ayye pahu wunaada?”

Although they must have ticked ‘throw in a few Sinhala words’ off their how-to-be-hardcore list after that because that was all the hardcore Sinhala these poshy buggers could manage.

We felt terribly let down after having read this-

Nearly because no self-respecting sinhalaya brother can have nothing to say at any time. There was the occasional utterance of “Heaven” and “Good God this is brilliant”.

What? No ‘amata udu’? Self-respecting Sinhalaya brother for sure! Wannabes.

*Adoh mé balanna ko!

We decided to check out their first post and holy Dalada Maligawa, this post is worst than the one to Mirissa. We’ll save that truckload of pada for later, just HAD to mention these ponnayas seem dead set on having their readers think they’re in fact posh! They’ve made it a point repeat it a few times in both post. Poor insecure buggers, now I feel sorry for them.

Charlatan Revealed

Yes, we do realize that by posting this there’s a fair chance local Gay Rights activists will be want our heads on poles to parade at their next ‘Colombo Pride’ festival. Nevertheless we have trolled on a blogger who has openly come out of the closet. (Aren’t we brave!)

Why?

1. Because reading just the preview of his post on Kottu is nothing short of brutual torture. And therefore, as trolls we are duty bound to write this post. Doi!

2.Because Padashow is all for equal rights. We treat all of you equally… Even the fruity loops er… unstraight (?) <insert politically correct gay reference>

There are quite a few openly gay blogs on Kottusphere such The Juicy Entice which has some class compared to The Tubelight Clicks. Now don’t get ahead of yourself. We haven’t gone soft, we’re merely pointing out that TC is the most obnoxious gay blog on Kottu. In fact it is a little too obnoxious… He fits a bit toooooo snugly in the contour of the gay stereotype, that we have a sneaking suspicion he ISN’T gay! He’s trying too hard.

The clues-

1. He seems to have the hots for some Korean hiphop wannabe by the name of TaeYang. We conducted a quick survey (asked girls in the vicinity of a 5ft radius) and the general consensus is that he’s as hot as a gecko trying to be gangsta. So there you have it! This phony could very well be a straight guy who randomly picked some huna-like singer assuming gay people would be into him. I think it’s necessary that gay rights activists hunt this bastard down for making a mockery of them. Equal Ground, this is over to you.

2. Notice the Jack McFarland persona he’s got going for him? He’s obviously picked a well known fictional gay personality, studied him and is trying very hard to project the image on his blog. Clearly the workings of a straight guy.

As for why this dude’s impersonating a gay guy… it could be for several reasons, such as luring unsuspecting girls or simply a desperate cry for attention on the blogsphere.

Of course, it could be that he is a sad gay guy who has been overly influenced by the media as to how he should behave. So we won’t completely rule out him being gay. Also he could be a gay person pretending to be a straight person who’s pretending to be a gay person! Gah! Oh well, gay or not, his blog is horribly obnoxious and so painful to read you’d want to perform corporal mortification for clicking on the blog link!