Kottu Kooks…

in no particular order.

• Sanjana (GroundViews)

Kottu’s pineapple-up-his-ass citizen journalist has been spending too much time up in his Banyan tree. Getting butt fucked by monkeys has finally affected his noggin!

He’s flipped his lid with the Flip Ultra camcorder offer. GroundViews is going to award some sadistic dumbass with a video camera.

• Purple socks is mine

With a title like that we should have know better than to click on the link…

Her post BusPervs starts-

This is a developing country. Yes! Srilankan buses are filled with these perv twerps.

Er… whaaa? Developing country? Pervy twerps? What the hell, what’s the connection?

We were surprised a few actually got through her post, that must have required a lot on mental energy on their part.

Of course that just proves she’s can’t write. Here’s why she Qualifies as a Kottu Kook- We just picked out random phrases to save you the mental strain of reading her post.

I felt the goood smelling- The freak can feel smell!

I was chasing after a shady tree- Typical lunatic behavior… Someone dial Angoda.

you are moving through sweat soup- Excuse me while I vomit my lunch

all that the buses infested with these local mofos!- Well as long as they’re local! After all, Sri Lankans would consider it an honor to be molested by them Arthur C. Clark types.

I feel threatened by these bastards trying to come close to you- Ah mey, we would have thought she’d feel more threatened by pervs approaching her… I guess with her ‘best stern‘ and ‘worst response‘ those poor pervs picked on the wrong badass footboarding freak.

Of course hre theme is a blaring alert, it screams lunatic! Looks like something you’d find hung up next to a patient’s bed at a mental institution.

*Poshy Godeyas

*Post revised due to new findings!

Man, this shit is hardcore alright!

Well at least at the beginning…

They start off with terrible grammar. Now that’s as hardcore as it gets.

The beaches of Sri Lanka hold many locations that make you just wish you had an SLR. Or if you’re less photographically inclined, to drool.

Placing ‘to’ before ‘drool’ makes the sentence subtly grammatically incorrect. The only explanation we can offer is that the subtlety makes the sentence hardcore while not threading on ‘godé’. Except they’ve done quite the opposite… They come off as godé-yas trying to be posh! Tsch tsch… poor sods.

The whole post is punctuated with these grammatical errors to preserve the ‘posh-ness’ of these Sinhalayas, we presume.

Besides that the post isn’t very helpful since the information is… linear, for the want of a better word. This pretty much disqualifies it as a ‘travel’ blog. Pau aney, what a waste of effort.

Of course they’ve tried exceedingly hard to project that ‘Sinhalaya’ air. Yup, the poshy wannabe hardcore lot tossed in some Sinhala! Shaaa! Hardcore to the max!

“Ayye pahu wunaada?”

Although they must have ticked ‘throw in a few Sinhala words’ off their how-to-be-hardcore list after that because that was all the hardcore Sinhala these poshy buggers could manage.

We felt terribly let down after having read this-

Nearly because no self-respecting sinhalaya brother can have nothing to say at any time. There was the occasional utterance of “Heaven” and “Good God this is brilliant”.

What? No ‘amata udu’? Self-respecting Sinhalaya brother for sure! Wannabes.

*Adoh mé balanna ko!

We decided to check out their first post and holy Dalada Maligawa, this post is worst than the one to Mirissa. We’ll save that truckload of pada for later, just HAD to mention these ponnayas seem dead set on having their readers think they’re in fact posh! They’ve made it a point repeat it a few times in both post. Poor insecure buggers, now I feel sorry for them.

Charlatan Revealed

Yes, we do realize that by posting this there’s a fair chance local Gay Rights activists will be want our heads on poles to parade at their next ‘Colombo Pride’ festival. Nevertheless we have trolled on a blogger who has openly come out of the closet. (Aren’t we brave!)

Why?

1. Because reading just the preview of his post on Kottu is nothing short of brutual torture. And therefore, as trolls we are duty bound to write this post. Doi!

2.Because Padashow is all for equal rights. We treat all of you equally… Even the fruity loops er… unstraight (?) <insert politically correct gay reference>

There are quite a few openly gay blogs on Kottusphere such The Juicy Entice which has some class compared to The Tubelight Clicks. Now don’t get ahead of yourself. We haven’t gone soft, we’re merely pointing out that TC is the most obnoxious gay blog on Kottu. In fact it is a little too obnoxious… He fits a bit toooooo snugly in the contour of the gay stereotype, that we have a sneaking suspicion he ISN’T gay! He’s trying too hard.

The clues-

1. He seems to have the hots for some Korean hiphop wannabe by the name of TaeYang. We conducted a quick survey (asked girls in the vicinity of a 5ft radius) and the general consensus is that he’s as hot as a gecko trying to be gangsta. So there you have it! This phony could very well be a straight guy who randomly picked some huna-like singer assuming gay people would be into him. I think it’s necessary that gay rights activists hunt this bastard down for making a mockery of them. Equal Ground, this is over to you.

2. Notice the Jack McFarland persona he’s got going for him? He’s obviously picked a well known fictional gay personality, studied him and is trying very hard to project the image on his blog. Clearly the workings of a straight guy.

As for why this dude’s impersonating a gay guy… it could be for several reasons, such as luring unsuspecting girls or simply a desperate cry for attention on the blogsphere.

Of course, it could be that he is a sad gay guy who has been overly influenced by the media as to how he should behave. So we won’t completely rule out him being gay. Also he could be a gay person pretending to be a straight person who’s pretending to be a gay person! Gah! Oh well, gay or not, his blog is horribly obnoxious and so painful to read you’d want to perform corporal mortification for clicking on the blog link!

Bedtime Stories

Deliah Says should be commended for her attempts to help the retards on the blogosphere learn to read. Her short sentences are similar to those found in ‘Peter and Jane’ or ‘Read It Yourself’ Ladybird books intended for toddlers. Her Poems are like something out of a Dr. Seuss book, except with the content being mature and snooze inducing.

But that’s Possibility- 1: Deliah Says (doesn’t that sound typical of a kid’s novel?) There are other possible reasons as to why Dreary-liah would write entire posts in sentences of about 3 or 4 words. Such as…

Possibility- 2 : Deliah Scrooge

She is a groupie of the failed builder, indifferent mathematician, barman and of course failed writer (to those who aren’t the dumbass judges who pick the Gratiaen award winners)- Ashok Ferry. In his sad attempts to be hip by following the current trend among writers, he cuts his sentences down to a laughable degree. Cutting it down FURTHER is no laughing matter though. That’s just pathetic. And that’s Deliah Scrooge for you.

If you’re an emo insomniac you might be interested in checking out her post ‘Don’t Fall in Love With a Dreamer’. Reading it will cure you of your insomnia AND give you the very same experience you’d get by self-inflicted harm (sharp pointy tools).

At the risk of being cast side as a male chauvinist, how are women able to consistently dish out truck loads of emotional crap???

Her blog content and of course writing style sucks donkey balls! Just half way through the first paragraph, I was almost brought to tears, not because it struck a chord within me but because it was that god damned pathetic!

I was in complete awe of the bloggers who were able to get through the post but the awe disintegrated to dust the moment I read their comments about it being a good piece of writing.

One of the commenters was another chick, so that was understandable. But Mr.BackSide? Then again, why am I surprised? All his posts are gay/ emo as well.

Ensuring a place in history, one retarded comment at a time

Enter Jarabaraas. Seasoned retarded blogger, amateur female and that creep who stares at women on the street. Of late it has been taking it upon himself the noble cause of showing us all who the most dim-witted of the padas are. It does this simply by posting the most outlandish crap possible and waiting for comments.

This past verbal assault of the senses contains many paragraphs of just that. Here we give you a fe excerpts.

It is fair to say controversy lead to popularity. I touched on topics that were “NO GO area” and taboo for others. Whilst I managed to get traffic into my blog, I did so at a cost, well not really, but still it has a price that I have paid for, namely ANONYMOUS HATE COMMENTS.

Obviously, making a fool of yourself in so many ways that Einstein loses count is definitely a “NO GO area”. Trust NB to wander into places nobody dares to go. Rather, where nobody gives a shit to consider going to because you get bored out of your mind if you do.

Come think of it, I always knew the risks. I was warned Kottu was a minefield of sorts where one had to look and watch his/her back. Heeding to this advice, as a precautionary measure I moderated comments. I didn’t want to get into all kinds of ugly wars online. End of the day I do have my ethics, values and principles despite my cold-blooded personality.

Holy shit! The great Jarabaraas has spoken, and kottu is a battleground! God save our souls! Obviously, you’re supposed to watch you back in minefields, as those sneaky buggers like Indi and Blacker sneak up behind you and lob landmines at you. I should have listened to David Blacker and not ignored him as a washed up old hack. Oh woe is me. Soon all our kottu will be destroyed and rotten. Surely we will have to crouch along the ground when posting. I myself was singed by a few ak47’s when typing this post.

Halfway through reading up on our mentally challenged friend’s updates, we just lost all interest. The thing called Jarabaraas has gone supernova. This new post is so full of bullshit that it’s surprising the creature isn’t in advertising himself. The thing shows us two images that look alike about as much as a leper and Jessica Alba, trying to pass them off as one and the same.

Fuckwit.

Girigoris the Hun

This specimen here displays a common ailment found in many bloggers. Except it’s not exactly an ailment, it’s just called being retarded. Read through his blog and you will be reeling back, wondering if anyone got the number of that truck that just hit you.

Hip hop grammar, hackney words and general stupidity come together to form the perfect loser. Our friend here is the type of ‘man’ you see on street corners, skinny as a broomstick, trying to smoke a ciggy to look cool and whistling at the women. For reasons that are a mystery to him, he never seems to get laid. This blog is the result when a creature like that gets access to the internet.

Leave me ur comments on this one.. Also mention what chances u think I have of gettin dis sassy lady. I kno I get her nyway cos ‘m the One innit but I like gettin peeps ideas as dats mi nature… Its jus da type of kind bugger I is

Zero. If you manage to get any female other than your mom whose basement you live in to touch you, the world would implode. The ‘kind of bugger you is’ is a dumbass. You’re not smooth, and you don’t sound smooth. If you could spare a second from masturbating to fetish porn with a vacant look on your face to think about what you’re doing, you might yet save us from a fate of having to see your steaming piles of excrement posted on the internet.

Please, go stick a finger up your ass and die.

Freak Show Macadamia!

Tsch, tsch… It would seem the bloggers have been running amok in our absense.

None more so than this nutty individual- Macadamia Nut… She’s so nutty she can pee Macadamia nuts! Now that’s truly amazing.

So amazing that she should be in the circus right beside the bearded lady and the Siamese twins who tap dance.

But then again… Who’d pay to watch a scary woman scratch her hairy pubes before shooting out a small nut from there?

Now don’t give me that look, I didn’t make that up. She writes about her hairy itchy pubes here.

(Interesting little fact- Macadamia nuts are also known as Queen of Nuts and Bush Nuts… Apt, wouldn’t you say?)

Can someone please inform her that there are somethings best kept to herself. And that people don’t really want to know about ALL the disgusting on-groins goings of her nether regions.

Aren’t some things sacred anymore??!?!?! And the poem isn’t even any good to boot…

Well, I don’t think anyone would pay a grand to watch a Macadamia nut pop out of disgusting, hairy, tick infested pubes. Unless they’re bulimic and are finding it difficult to induce that barf. So maybe if she gets a Brazilian wax and pees a slightly larger Brazil nut (mostly for marketing purposes), the male population might just pay to see that.

Reading her latest post, she must have gone loony by spending so much time with her “demented” maids. There seems to have been one who peed in a test tube and brandished it happily at the house hold. That must have had a perverse effect on her young impressionable mind. Oh well! Make the best of a bad situation right?…

A grand to see a woman pee a Brazil nut! A grand to see a woman pee a Brazil nut! Don’t miss this spectatuar freak show!

Public Service Announcement!

There’s a lot of bad poetry drifting on Kottu.org, like noxious scum on the river behind the Springfield nuclear plant. We had the misfortune of stumbling upon some of the worst of it when we read The Whackster’s blog. His poetry is so noxious it’s positively radio-active! Just reading it will turn your brain drippy and you’ll become a senseless drooling pile of meat sitting in front of your pc.

WARNING: Reader’s discretion is advised before opening the given link due to the turn-your-brain-to-goop nature of the post (click on the image)

 

 

Padashow will not be held responsible and cannot be sued by your family if you’re found senseless with your brain dripping out of your nostrils after having clicked this link.

 

 When we first came across it we thought it was so strange and abnormal that we actually passed on ripping it up here. After being subjected to his most recent bit of drivel, we felt that (even though we are trolls and don’t give a rat’s ass if other people die) this is just too hazardous to be allowed to be freely available on the Web. 

First he coins the word “renephobe” and then asks us what it means. A true mental case at work! Is he afraid of his kidneys or something? We got it – he’s actually afraid of urea. So why does he keep spewing so much of it on his blog under the guise of ‘poetry’.

This boy is pretty mentally disturbed, we tell you. His posts are bad enough, not to mention senseless enough but his poetry is in a class by itself.

And then he asks why we should be afraid of him? Perhaps because he is obviously ready for the loony bin and the spewing of his mind as revealed here shows him g\fit enough to be straitjacketed?

Breaking down the rest of the post is just a waste of our time. The whole post is a mother-load of stinking buffalo poop! What sort of dumb ass listens to gecko’s fart??? Do they even fart?

Crude Awaking is his latest bit of mindless tapping away at a keyboard and the boy seems to be brooding over some chic. Haiyo! What is it about having their hearts broken that makes these buggers think they can write poetry?

While bad poetry can be expected from a Shania Twain fan, we’d never have thought she’d be able to induce such a degree of it!

We should start a petition to have The Whackster banned from writing poetry and hand it over to Human Rights Watch, because as long as this hazardous excrement is on the World Wide Web, lives will be in danger!

Or the very least have this warning sign flashing on his blog…

 

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!

Why plague us again?

This blogger here seems to have deemed it fit to spread his muck all over the internet again. It seems to have been brought back by all the rubbish generated by the ending of the war, giving him an opportunity to pitch in with his own horribly disguised posts.

Read through this blog and you will find writing that looks like it has been thrown through the ‘Words to use to augment shortcomings in other departments’ generator. Such overuse of a thesaurus we have never set eyes upon.

In this latest post about some inane pseudo intellectual conversation with an equally, if not more demented friend, he  manages the astonishing feat of making an excessively large post without actually saying anything much.

Here we give you the post, with proper editing for brevity.

Me: Tamils. Use them to sound intelligent.

Friend : Blah blah blah kill all of them blah blah blah

Me : EXACTLY. I hope I come out sounding at least half as smart as I try to portray myself. Maybe then real peopole will start paying attention to me.

Friend : Rahh rahh raahhh I’m a raving lunatic.

Me : My word, <insert bullshit of choice>

Please, don’t insult our intelligence with such tripe.

Confused bunch of idiots

Here we come across a troupe of idiots about as confused as Jarabaraas in front of an IQ test.

“Your Blog Rocks! x3″ was created after the Sri Lankan blogosphere had been repeatedly plagued by unwanted, unappreciated, untalented trolls who make Simon Cowell look good…

…To balance off the negative energy produced by the likes of The Maharajah of Bad (now seemingly defunct), Padashow, Zoltan, and the various other trolls not worthy of mention.

What kind of deranged nonsense is this? ‘Negative Energy’? Are you some kind of hippy who just happened to stumble across the internet while high? We’re trolls, not that man down the road who grabs your butt on the way to school every morning.

You’re either a troll or your troll food. What the blazes are you? Dripping with sarcasm in most lines yet stupidly making absolutely no use of it. You’re the Miley Cyrus of trolls.